When Will You Marry?

When will you marry?

I think this is a question any girl above the age of 20 has heard before and is continuing to hear. Not how are you? Not are you okay? Not can I refer you for a position? Not even Can I send you some money? Just never ending questions about when you will marry. Like it’s a deadline. Like I’m late.

I came back from university and that was literally the first thing people asked me. I hadn’t even settled properly. I was still tired, still confused, still trying to figure out what I wanted to do next. And the funny thing is, nobody thought it was important to sit me down and help me come up with a plan. Nobody asked what I was interested in. Nobody asked what kind of future I wanted. Nope i wasn’t privileged enough to have that.

Because for a lot of girls who come from Northern Nigerian homes, university isn’t preparation. It’s decoration. It’s not “go and build a life.” It’s “go and be educated so we can say we sent you to school and you’re educated.” Box checked. And since marriage is the real expectation anyway, nobody bothers helping you hone skills, build confidence, or even imagine a career.

So you graduate lost. Unsure. Blank. With very little support for the career you aren’t even aware of yet. And then you’re blamed for it.

You’re blamed for not knowing what you want to do, even though nobody ever helped you figure it out. You are blamed for being lazy. For being angry because nobody understands or even cares that you are angry because you feel like a failure. You’re blamed for being confused in a system that never planned for you to have direction in the first place. No job and worst of all? No husband.

When are you marrying? Where is your husband? Tell of one your boyfriends to get serious and make things official.

But I also know it’s not like this for every girl. I know girls who come from families that actually sit them down and talk to them. Families that ask, what do you want to be? Families that help them build a plan. Career first, marriage if it comes. And even if it doesn’t, they know they’ll be fine. They’re supported. They’re prepared. They won’t force you into a shell. They won’t try to “tame” your need for wanting more for yourself.

I won’t lie, I get jealous of girls like that. Deeply. Because I wish I had that kind of backing or even half of it. And yes, my friends support me, and I’m grateful for them. But people really underestimate how important family support is. When you don’t have it, something collapses. Your confidence. Your sense of direction. Your belief that you’re allowed to want more. And it takes SO MUCH to build that confidence back up.

I went to law school. Finished law school. Came back again. Same thing. No questions about my goals. No curiosity about my future. Nothing about if i even want to pursue further education or anything. Just marriage. MARRIAGE MARRIAGE MARRIAGE. The end goal is marriage. As if everything else I’ve done is irrelevant until a man enters the picture and just THEN am i allowed to live my life how i dream.

And of course, all of this is wrapped in religion. Shocking. I know.

Marriage in Islam is a Sunnah. It’s strongly encouraged. It’s valued. But it is not fard(compulsory). Yes i know it’s so shocking to believe it’s actually true and i am not saying anything religiously blasphemous. It is not a measure of faith. It may add to it, yes, but it is not the thing that measures your faith or closeness to Allah SWT. If you have valid reasons for not wanting to jump into it, you are very much allowed to take your time. But culture has decided otherwise and then borrowed religious language to make it sound holy. God forbid you say you’re not in a rush. God forbid you say you’re unsure. Suddenly you’re westernised, possessed, misguided. You are thinking too much like a western woman! That is of course, HARAM! As if thinking critically about your life is a spiritual crime. Well, maybe as a woman, it is.

Now, i feel the need to say this all the time. I don’t hate marriage. That’s not the point.

What I hate is being raised and made to feel like marriage is my only option and the only way to my “freedom” and then being shamed for not having a perfectly mapped-out life. I hate that girls are denied guidance, denied imagination, denied support, and then punished for being “lost.” I hate that culture creates the confusion and then blames women for it.

So when people ask me, when will you marry? my answer is actually simple: when I’m comfortable and when I’m ready. And being comfortable and ready to me doesn’t start with a husband. It starts with me. It starts with me figuring out what I want to do with my life, actually doing it, and gaining some kind of momentum from it. It starts with having direction, confidence, and a sense of self that isn’t borrowed from anyone else. Building myself and my career. Maybe then, I’ll consider marriage. Not because I was rushed, pressured, or scared, but because I chose it.